Brad Dickson

"Jack Nicholson appeared to nod off during a Lakers home game. This is when you know that "Showtime" is officially over -- snoring is heard from the front row."

"The Kansas City Zoo was on lockdown because two gorillas were on the loose. So it sounds like the Henry Doorly Zoo just found its new advertising campaign to lure out of state visitors."

"Zoo officials couldn't find the tranquilizer gun, so to make the gorillas fall asleep, they showed 'em a clip from a Mitt Romney interview."

"Congress has been slow to endorse former colleague Rick Santorum. This may have less to do with Santorum than with Congress just being slow."

"A hotel on the beach in California is now offering a "dog surfing instructor." Next time your parents say you're wasting your college education, show them this story."

"On Presidents Day, lots of people don't work, nothing much gets accomplished. It sounds more like "Congress Day." "

"A former White House consultant claims that President Eisenhower had three meetings with space aliens. To give you an idea how low our expectations are, people are less shocked by a president meeting with aliens than by news Congress somehow passed a payroll tax cut."

"The news about Eisenhower meeting three times with aliens set Joe Biden off, since he's only had two meetings with President Obama."

"When President Obama made an unannounced visit to a carry-out Chinese restaurant in San Francisco, a female patron appeared to squeeze his rear. Obama then ordered steamed pork buns and left. Folks, I swear to you 1,000 times over, I don't make this stuff up."

"A Santorum supporter representing a super PAC said that Newt Gingrich looks like Paula Deen. I'm just glad that the attacks haven't gotten cheap and petty."

"Monday night, PBS is airing a documentary on Bill Clinton that focuses on the Monica Lewinsky case in explicit detail. Remember when we used to plant a tree to celebrate Presidents Day?"

"You just know Bill Clinton is telling Hillary, "PBS? C'mon, there's never anything good on there. Let's check out Monday Night Raw." "

"The Underwear Bomber was sentenced to four life terms plus 50 years. Which, ironically, is the exact length of time most men go without buying new underwear."

"After a possibly intoxicated pilot was removed from a Frontier flight in Omaha, the airline announced it has zero tolerance for such matters. Which always sounds better than, "We tolerate drinking pilots 20 percent of the time." "

"The Omaha City Council is backing tough new liquor rules for the city. If it passes, during the College World Series, beer gardens will no longer be permitted in cemeteries and churches."

Brad Dickson

"The bedbug-detecting skills of the dog hired by UNL have been called into question by a bedbug expert. Forget the qualities of the dog for a second. How'd you like to go through life with the title "bedbug expert"?"

"The vice president of China, Xi Jinping, visited the U.S. Congress. After meeting with representatives for 2 minutes, he said he now understands why capitalism doesn't work."

"On Thursday morning, a Chautauqua/Frontier Airlines flight from Omaha to Milwaukee was delayed after it was reported the pilot may be intoxicated. If you're scared of flying, the last thing you want to see is your pilot touching his finger to his nose."

"The pilot was escorted away by four police officers. Some news outlets reported he was strip-searched, but those were just passengers going through security."

Feb 16, 2012:

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

"China's vice president was in Los Angeles today... The Chinese vice president said the first place he wanted to go was Hollywood. He wanted to visit where all his favorite pirated DVD movies were made."

Late Show with David Letterman

"Mitt Romney is sinking in the polls. That is the magic of a Donald Trump endorsement right there."

The Late Show with Craig Ferguson

"The best daredevil of all time is Evel Knievel. You have no choice but to be a daredevil when your parents name you Evel. You can't be a florist or psychotherapist."

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

"CNN is letting viewers ask the candidates questions at its next Republican debate. It’ll be awkward when they're like, "This question’s from Mark in Texas." Mark asks: "What else is on?” "

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

"Commander Daniel Burbank shook hands with a robot on the international space station. It's all part of NASA's "What stupid stuff can we do in zero gravity" program."

Brad Dickson

"Chinese Vice President Xi Jinping is making his second visit to Iowa, his first was in the mid-1980s. He came back to see if the missing Iowa caucus votes from his last visit have been found yet."

"On Valentine's Day, a helium balloon purchased as a gift in California flew into a power line and knocked out electricity to 15,000 customers. The group National Society of Men immediately called for a ban on Valentine's Day due to potential danger."

"A group of Omaha public works employees shared a $1 million lottery prize. Now I know what public works is doing while we're waiting for side streets to be plowed - buying lotto tickets."

"There's a proposal for a train running between Omaha and Chicago. Taking the train would be similar to flying in and out of O'Hare Airport, only 37 times faster."

"According to a new study, the most corrupt city in America is Chicago. Elected officials in Chicago are vowing to protest as soon as they post bail."

"According to a former White House consultant, President Dwight Eisenhower had three meetings with space aliens at a New Mexico air base and got along well with the ETs. I think it says a lot that Eisenhower got along better with extraterrestrials than President Obama does with Congress."

"A Newt Gingrich aide is denying he made edits to Gingrich's Wikipedia entry. I thought something was suspicious when I read, "Newt Gingrich is the first presidential candidate to be nominated for sainthood and a three-time gold medalist in Olympic platform diving." "

"A Mississippi state senator who proposed changing the name of the Gulf of Mexico to the Gulf of America now claims he was joking. I wonder if the Nebraska Legislature's debate over legalizing horse meat and banning unwanted kissing were elaborate jokes?"

"When I initially heard someone wanted to change the name of the Gulf of Mexico to Gulf of America I said, "Rick Perry is back in the race?" "

"After 20 years of drilling through ice, researchers in Antarctica have discovered a lake that has been completely hidden for millions of years... Even though the lake has been submerged beneath ice 3 miles thick, when scientists penetrated it they found a Zebra mussel."

"A juror is facing possible jail time after "friending" the defendant during a trial in Sarasota, Fla. I must be psychic. Before I even saw the location, I guessed that this happened in Florida."

Feb 15, 2012:

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

"The Chinese vice president visited President Obama at the White House yesterday. That shows how different China is from us. In China, the vice president is actually important."

Conan

"President Obama is in Los Angeles today hoping to raise millions of dollars — which may be why I saw him in the audience line this morning at "The Price Is Right." Barack Obama, come on down!"

"A group of Democratic fundraisers is offering a dinner with the president for $35,000. Unfortunately, the only person in America who can afford it is Mitt Romney."

Late Show with David Letterman

"They're saying now it looks like the state of Michigan is swinging toward Rick Santorum. And I think if there's a word that best describes Rick, it's "swinging." "

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

"A court in Germany has reopened a 400-year-old case involving a woman who was found guilty of witchcraft. And if that woman is still alive for the trial, I’m gonna go ahead and say "Guilty.” "

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

"The obesity rate among school kids has been on the rise. Schools are having to order special desks and seats for students who are particularly obese. Is exercise just out of the question now?"

Brad Dickson

"Michelle Obama was photographed in a dress from Target. It looks like the administration is pulling out all stops to appeal to the middle class. Between now and the election, Joe Biden will be seen in nothing but a Kmart hoodie."

"Chinese students are flocking to Iowa universities, with Iowa State showing a 2,000 percent increase in students from China since 2006. Many are coming to experience democracy. After witnessing the Iowa caucuses, two-thirds of them caught the first plane home."

"Nebraska owes $275,000 to the ACLU. Suggestion: Save this story and reread it in April. Seeing that Nebraska owes a lot of money right after you paid taxes to the state will make you feel warm all over."

"President Obama announced tough new sanctions against the Central Bank of Iran because of "deceptive practices." If he's looking for a bank to sanction because of deceptive practices, there's probably one within a block of the White House."

"The sanctions are brutal. Obama is going to take all the money in the Central Bank of Iran and stick it in a five-year CD offered by First National Bank in Omaha paying 0.7 percent."

"Several universities are offering class credit for those who participate in the Occupy movement. You get class credit for sitting and doing nothing. Didn't that used to be called art history?"

"I read that the behavior of cats holds the key to good health in humans. So tonight when I get home, the first thing I'm doing is taking a nap on top of the TV set."

"In a survey of America's rudest cities, Boston finished fifth. It's misleading. Take away Bill Belichick and Boston is 37th."

Feb 14, 2012:

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

"A Minnesota man was arrested for stealing up to $25,000 worth of laundry detergent. Would that be a white-collar crime? Luckily, he made a clean getaway."

Conan

"Yesterday Newt Gingrich, Rick Santorum, and Mitt Romney all said that if elected president they would eliminate porn. In a related story, President Obama has already been re-elected."

"The son of Hugh Hefner has been arrested on a charge of domestic violence. When he heard this, Hugh Hefner said, "Son, there's a right way and a wrong way to disrespect women." "

Late Show with David Letterman

"Rick Santorum looks like a guy running for student council."

"Newt Gingrich is against same-sex marriage. Well, actually, he's against same-marriage sex."

The Late Show with Craig Ferguson

"The most popular Valentine's Day gift is chocolate. In the 1800s, doctors told their patients to eat chocolate to get over a broken heart. They also thought if you're going to be alone, who cares if you get fat."

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

"The Westminster Dog Show wrapped up in New York today. It combines the excitement of people walking dogs to the thrill of dogs sitting perfectly still."

Brad Dickson

Feb 13, 2012:

"After President Obama released his 2013 budget on Monday, a congressional Republican spent four straight hours criticizing it. Then he said, "OK, on to paragraph 2." "

"According to a World-Herald article, more men will be receiving Valentine's flowers from women this year. Listen up, ladies: Flowers are OK, but if most guys see a vase on their desk, they'd prefer it be filled with a wrench, a cheeseburger and new batteries for the TV remote."

"On Saturday morning, it was 3 degrees in Omaha and 1 degree in Lincoln. The Omaha Convention and Visitors Bureau put out a press release praising Omaha over Lincoln because of its "warmer climate." "

"I think Valentine's Day is generally a bigger holiday for many women than for many men. For men, it's basically like Groundhog Day, only less eventful."

"The Nebraska Legislature is simultaneously considering proposals to raise members' pay and extend their term limits. It's all part of the "Looking Out For No. 1" bill."

"Nebraska voters last approved a pay raise for legislators 24 years, or, two accomplishments ago."

"The Romney campaign has agreed to stop playing the song "Wavin' Flag" by rapper K'naan after K'naan complained. In his bid to appear current, Romney said, "No loss. K'naan is no Men Without Hats." "

"Romney is trying to appear in-tune with today's pop culture. Just yesterday he worked in three Partridge Family references."

"On her "Let's Move!" tour, Michelle Obama is sometimes seen in two different outfits on the same day. It sounds more like "Let's Shop!" "

"I saw an article on USAToday.com titled: "Why Starbucks Is Enjoying Success in China." I'm going to guess it has something to do with there being 2 billion people in China and about four Starbucks."

"Sunday night the annual AARP talent show was held. Wait, my mistake. That was the Grammy Awards."

"For the unfamiliar, the Grammys are when we honor musicians who are even too old for the Super Bowl halftime show."

Feb 14, 2012:

"The average American spends $4.52 on a Valentine's gift for their pet. The good news: Americans are spending again. The bad news: They're buying romantic gifts for Spot."

"It turns out that reported woolly mammoth sighting in Siberia last week was a hoax by "publicity seekers." The Gingrich campaign has gone too far this time."

"There's a new trend in teenage dating: giving your online passwords to the person you're seeing. So while the typical teenage relationship had been lasting about three months, I'm confident this trend will reduce that to around two hours."

"A West Virginia college student filed a lawsuit against a fraternity, claiming he was injured when he fell off a deck after a bottle rocket exploded in another student's rectum. I have the name of the fraternity: Kappa Kappa Moron."

Feb 13, 2012:

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

"The 99 Cent Only Store is calling itself your Valentine's Day headquarters. Guys, if that's your Valentine's Day headquarters, you can also call the garage your new home."

Conan

"White Castle is offering candlelit dinner service for Valentine's Day. It's the perfect way to tell your partner, "I'm hungry and I don't love you that much." "

"It's been projected that Americans will spend over $13 billion this Valentine's Day. And guys who forget Valentine's Day will spend over $100 billion."

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

"Rick Santorum said women might not be suited for military action because their emotions aren't suited for combat. Which can mean only one thing: He’s never seen an episode of ‘The View.’"

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

"Valentine's Day is weird. A nude flying baby that shoots arrows isn't a holiday. It's a horror movie."

"Here's a good tip. If your girlfriend or your wife gives you that speech about how she doesn't care about Valentine's Day and how it's a holiday invented by corporations, don't fall for it."

Brad Dickson

"The NFL is dealing with fallout after hip-hop artist M.I.A. gave the middle finger during the Super Bowl halftime show. If anyone flipped a middle finger live on television, I'd have guessed it'd be one of the GOP presidential candidates during a debate."

"The World-Herald profiled a man who has 1,500 board games in his home. To most, he's called a "games man." To me, he's "the guy I'd least like to be snowed in with." "

"Former Minnesota Gov. Tim Pawlenty endorsed Mitt Romney. At least I think he did. As soon as Pawlenty began speaking, everyone in the room fell into a deep sleep."

"A Central Florida man is suing Newt Gingrich, claiming that after he voted in the Florida primary, a security officer for Newt stomped on his hand because he voted for Ron Paul. Ladies and gentlemen, this is what separates us from lesser countries: democracy."

"President Obama has been invited to sing on "American Idol." The bad thing is, if Obama sings, this means under equal time laws that Newt Gingrich gets to compete on "So You Think You Can Dance." "

"Snoop Dogg was busted in Texas for alleged marijuana possession after his tour bus was pulled over at a border checkpoint. After realizing it was Snoop Dogg, the drug-sniffing dogs were seen doing cartwheels down Interstate 40."

"One of the moms featured on the reality show "Toddlers & Tiaras" is suing over something. I actually may sue the show for the 37 seconds of my life I'll never get back after watching a bit of "Toddlers & Tiaras." "

Feb 6, 2012:

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

"Patriots coach Bill Belichick was not happy after the game. I haven't seen a man that miserable come out of Indiana since Letterman."

Brad Dickson

"The UNO soccer dome was damaged when it was ruptured by the winter storm. It was also reported that the Civic Auditorium suffered severe damage that left it unusable. Then someone remembered that it was like that before the storm."

"Due to the winter storm, many civic functions in Omaha were canceled, but several Beer Week-related festivities went on. Now that we've established the priorities in town, we can proceed."

"How about that swarming Giants defense? I haven't seen gang tackling like that since GOP leaders tried to stop Newt Gingrich from continuing in the race."

"Americans spent an estimated $5 billion on snacks to eat during the Super Bowl. Yet we're unable to fund our Roth IRAs."

"A New Jersey zoo camel picked the Giants to beat the Patriots. Las Vegas had the Patriots favored. If you're keeping track, it's camels, one; bookies, 0."

"A two-headed, freeze-dried pig is for sale at a New York store. So if your partner says, "Surprise me," on Valentine's Day, this should do the trick."

"The Patriots cut receiver Tiquan Underwood the day before the Super Bowl. That pea-sized object detected by ultrasound during Bill Belichick's last physical: his heart."

Feb 2, 2012:

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

"There are signs that Newt Gingrich’s campaign is starting to run out of money. He's dropped Tiffany and he's buying all of his jewelry on QVC now."

Conan

"After losing in Florida, Newt Gingrich is campaigning hard in Las Vegas. Gingrich says he loves Las Vegas because it has two of his favorite things: buffets and wedding chapels."

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

"Donald Trump made a surprise endorsement of Mitt Romney for president. And Mitt climbed into Donald’s golden helicopter and they flew around the country, dropping silver dollars on the homeless and unemployed."

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

"Donald Trump announced that he’s endorsing Mitt Romney for president. It was really nice. Trump was like, “There’s only one man with the brains, the skills, and the charisma to be president — but since I’m not running, you might as well vote for Mitt Romney.” "

Wednesday Jan 31, 2012:

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

"A new study shows that American students are becoming less proficient in science, and if the trend continues, we will become a nation that’s science and chemistry illiterate. And you thought a lot of meth labs are blowing up now?"

"A student at the University of Wisconsin in Madison spent 90 days technology free. He went without a cell phone, Facebook, Twitter, or any social media of any kind. And you know what really improved? His driving!"

Conan

"A 100-year-old woman has revealed that her secret to staying sharp is playing a Nintendo D.S. Sadly, no one has the heart to tell her that's the garage door opener."

"Mitt Romney went to a McDonald's and ordered burgers and fries and apparently everything was going well until Romney asked the cashier if she could break a $1 million bill."

Late Show with David Letterman

"There's a $250 fine now if you get caught eating in the subway. It kind of makes me hungry just talking about it."

"If you get caught eating in the subway, $250 fine. Roaming bands of teenaged punks, not a problem."

The Late Show with Craig Ferguson

"Paula Abdul was fired from “The X Factor.” No one really knows how Paula feels about this. Well, she's given tons of interviews, but no one can understand what she's saying."

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

"A town in Austria opened a new museum dedicated to failed inventions. Or as Microsoft reported it, “Hey! Someone just ordered a Zune!” "

Breaking Brad

Wednesday Jan 31, 2012:

"Florida has an older population. According to early results, the leading vote getter in the Florida primary is Matlock."

"Newt Gingrich has called for building a colony on the moon. President Obama said he's only in favor of going to the moon if he learns there's a life form there willing to write a large check to his re-election campaign."

"Gingrich plans to pay for the entire moon colony by charging it on his Tiffany's card."

"Three Newt Gingrich supporters wrote a rap called "Hoot for Newt," and UNL officials are walking through dorms with a "bedbug-sniffing beagle." When I wake up and read headlines like these, I'm glad I have this job."

"A water-skiing squirrel will perform at the Boat Sports and Travel Show in Omaha. As far as I'm concerned, if this is legit we can name The World-Herald Athlete of the Year right after the show."

"Three 18-year-old Newt Gingrich supporters recorded a rap in support of Gingrich. The rap is called "Hoot for Newt" and goes "Yeah hoot hoot hoot. Hey everybody vote for Newt." To all those who say young Republicans can't rap, let this ... oh, nevermind."

"To prove they're happening, a group of young Rick Santorum supporters are writing a polka."

"Police fired tear gas into a group of 100 Occupy Oakland protesters. Tear gas seems excessive. Instead, they should fire several rounds of newspaper help wanted ads into the crowd."

"A widow claims that U.S. Airways lost her husband's ashes. Knowing the commercial airlines, I have no doubt that U.S. Airways will make it up to the widow, probably by offering her a coupon for a free in-flight appetizer, provided she flies Monday through Thursday."

Breaking Brad

"A juror in Douglas County was kicked off a trial for contempt of court. You look at how low the standards are for American jurors and I can only assume the juror was wearing wax lips and flying paper airplanes during closing arguments."

"Actually, the judge lectured and booted the juror because he was checking his cellphone. I'd like to bring along this judge next time I go to a movie."

"After earlier trailing in the Florida polls, Mitt Romney has surged past Newt Gingrich and leads by 14 points after Florida voters abruptly changed their minds. When Romney calls Floridians "my kind of people," he means it."

"In a speech over the weekend, Republican Rep. Allen West of Florida called for leading Democrats to "get the hell out of the United States of America." Every day that thin line separating the U.S. Congress from the World Wrestling Federation blurs a little more."

"Here's the scary thing: With all the political acrimony in the country, West may be a moderate."

"Several Newt Gingrich supporters recorded a rap in support of Gingrich. The rap is called "Hoot for Newt" and goes "Yeah hoot hoot hoot. Hey everybody vote for Newt." After hearing this, my first reaction was: "Bob Dylan is making a comeback." "

" "Yeah hoot hoot hoot. Hey everybody vote for Newt." I never fully appreciated Sen. Ben Nelson's version of "Western Town" until I heard this rap."

"President Obama and Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer got into an argument on the airport tarmac and she angrily pointed her finger at Obama. The president said he doesn't hold a grudge and that it was pure coincidence that when Brewer arrived home there were nine IRS auditors waiting in her driveway."

"Brewer claims the argument dealt with her writing in a book that Obama could be condescending. After hearing this, Obama said, "Whatever, little lady." "

"A new ad portrays Mitt Romney as "the establishment" and Rick Santorum as "the rebel." I think the only possible way that Santorum could appear to be the rebel is if he's standing next to Steve Urkel, and even then ..."

"Taco Bell has a new menu. So while the Keystone XL oil pipeline may be dead, at least we're still developing original sources of domestic natural gas."

"A New York elementary school has come under fire for a new restroom policy that awards students achievement stickers for "holding it." Apparently we've given up trying to match the math and science scores of Japanese students and we're going to settle for topping them in bladder control."

"With a new Girl Scout cookie drive under way, I saw a website that directs you where to go to find cookies. I think to buy Girl Scout cookies, you pretty much just have to step outside your front door and within 9 seconds you'll get the opportunity."

"This is the centennial celebration of the founding of Girl Scouts. To celebrate the centennial, every person in the U.S. will be asked 100 times if they want to buy some cookies."

Breaking Brad

"There was another GOP presidential debate Thursday night. There have been so many televised debates that CNN is running low on unbelievably bad photos of Newt Gingrich to promote them."

"We should number the debates like Super Bowls. I believe this was GOP Debate XLVIII."

"During the Thursday night debate in Florida, Newt Gingrich said he wants to colonize the moon. Mitt Romney said, "If you do, I'll open a bank account there." "

"President Obama just sent peacekeeping troops to get between himself and Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer."

"After waving her finger at Obama on the tarmac in Arizona, Brewer initially refused to release the letter she handed him. She then suddenly changed her position 180 degrees and released it. Sounds like Mitt Romney just found his running mate."

"It's considered highly disrespectful to wag your finger at the president of the United States. However, it is acceptable when facing the vice president to place your fist under your armpit and move your arm up and down."

"Newt Gingrich announced that he wants to send a man back to the moon by 2020. And that man is CNN host/debate moderator John King."

"According to the latest tally, Rick Santorum leads Romney by 34 votes in the Iowa caucuses, but we may never know who actually got the most votes. I find it telling that we're closing in on learning if life ever existed on Mars but it's apparently impossible to find out who won the Iowa caucuses."

"In a fundraising email, the Gingrich campaign promised to deliver a Mike Tyson-like knockout punch on Romney in Florida. Oh no, it sounds like Gingrich is planning to bite Romney's ear off."

"Iraqi officials are threatening Britain over the return over a "bronzed butt cheek" from a Saddam Hussein statue. This may end up being the stupidest cause of a war ever."

"Sixteen-year-old Laura Dekker has completed a solo, around-the-world sailing trip where she kept busy by practicing her flute. As someone who once lived downstairs from an aspiring teenage flutist, I'd suggest that all of them should practice on a boat 1,100 miles out to sea."

Breaking Brad

Thursday Jan 26, 2012:

"On Wednesday, President Obama was in Iowa. You can tell campaign season is in full gear because Obama insisted on being called by his new nickname: "The Ethanol President." "

"Mitt Romney paid 13.9 percent of his income in taxes. You know the country is in trouble when our candidates' tax rates and our students' math scores are about the same."

"From the "I can't make this stuff up" file: As a form of cost cutting, Congress is reducing the number of staplers in the House of Representatives. At this rate, we'll begin to put a dent in the national deficit just about the time the earth hurls into the sun."

"If reducing the number of staplers doesn't get this country back on sure financial footing, Congress will consider a bill to go with a cheaper brand of paper clip."

"President Obama's approval rating stands at 48 percent. The only president to be re-elected with less than 50 percent approval rating? Richard Nixon. This is probably not the comparison the Obama team is looking for at the moment."

"The Federal Reserve announced it will keep interest rates low through 2014. Here's the worst news for savers on fixed incomes: That's about four OPPD [Omaha Public Power District] rate increases from now."

"As a result of the Federal Reserve policy, there are some new bank promotions. Those opening CDs will be given cans of dog food so they can eat while earning .0002 percent interest."

"Animal control officers have found a drug-sniffing dog that escaped from the Detroit airport. It's a pretty bad sign when even the drug-sniffing dogs are trying to get out of Detroit."

"Apparently the drug-sniffing dog bolted when Willie Nelson's tour drove through town. At last report, it was seen chasing the Nelson tour bus down the New Jersey Turnpike."

"Iran just unveiled a new spy plane. The Iranian military just doesn't get it. In big bold lettering on the side it says, "SPY PLANE." "

"A dog is credited with saving his owner's life after the dog sensed the man was having a heart attack. Next time I'm sick, instead of my HMO, I'd like to be examined by this dog."

"After a routine hospital stay, a New York man received a bill for $44.8 million. I know from personal experience that if he simply calls the nice hospital administrators and negotiates in good faith, there's a decent chance they will lower that bill to $44.7 million."

"The longest winning streak in college sports is over. The Trinity College squash team lost for the first time in 252 matches. Oh, great, I watched 251 of the matches on ESPN2 and missed the interesting one."

Wednesday Jan 25, 2012:

"In his State of the Union speech, President Obama said the economy is getting better. He said the same thing in the 2010 and 2011 addresses. Because this was basically a rerun, it was the first State of the Union address carried by TV Land and Me-TV."

"Obama was interrupted by applause something like 150 times. The same thing happened when Mitt Romney addressed the National Association of Tax Preparers."

"There are subtle signs that the Democrats have a preference who they'd rather run against for president. During the State of the Union address, Michelle Obama was seen waving a placard reading, "Newt > Mitt, Heck Yes!!" "

"Several times during the speech, members of Congress leapt to their feet and applauded vigorously or angrily gestured. At one point, Sen. Mike Johanns got so animated that he blinked."

"A new study asserts that babies learn to talk because they're excellent lip readers. I'd like to take a moment to apologize to all lip-reading babies for Bo Pelini's comments during the fourth quarter of the Capital One Bowl."

Wednesday Jan 25, 2012:

Conan

"House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi says she has dirt on Newt Gingrich, but so far she's keeping her lips sealed — because that's how the last surgeon left them."

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

"Facebook users probably know, in September, the site unveiled the Facebook profile page, which they call "timeline." Or more fittingly, "waste of timeline." "

Breaking Brad

"During the Florida debate Monday night, Newt Gingrich compared himself to Ronald Reagan... I can only guess that Gingrich meant that he and Reagan both part their hair on the same side."

"Because the debate was sponsored by NBC, it was canceled halfway through."

"Fox News psychiatrist Keith Ablow said that Newt Gingrich's past infidelity would make him a better president. After Ablow made the statement, Fox News changed its slogan to "fair but unbalanced." "

"Ablow claimed that infidelity makes for a better president. Bill Clinton said, "I could've used you in 1996." "

"According to his dad, Sen. Rand Paul was briefly detained by the TSA at the Nashville airport. This is the desperate new plan to get votes passed in Washington - detain tea party members."

"Officials in Iraq are angrily demanding that a British solider return part of a statue, described as a "bronzed Saddam Hussein butt cheek," that he took when a statue toppled. This is when you know a country is short on tourist attractions - it demands the return of a bronzed butt cheek."

"A Boston Bruins fan became enraged after a rival team's mascot sprayed him with Silly String and chased down the mascot and gave him the finger. If it were up to me, this would be the "Play of the Day" through February."

"A would-be thief broke into a Las Vegas hotel room and found Mike Tyson sleeping. The only way a Las Vegas burglar's luck could be any worse is to break into a house at random and be confronted with 11 of Siegfried and Roy's tigers."

Breaking Brad

Monday Jan 23, 2012:

"President Obama is preparing to deliver the State of the Union address Tuesday night. I wouldn't say he'll try to turn it into a campaign speech, but members of Congress have been asked to wave signs that say "Four more years." "

"Newt Gingrich won the South Carolina primary... This opens Newt up to greater scrutiny. In the 36 hours since he's emerged as the co-frontrunner, reporters have found 1,897 skeletons in his closet."

"At this point, it's unclear if the South Carolina results were more of an anti-Romney vote or a pro-open marriage vote."

"Actually, according to exit polls, most voters went with Newt because they didn't want to have to endure any Gingrich concession speeches."

"Since there have been three different GOP winners in three different states, experts say "It's up to Florida voters to give us a clear leader." That may be the scariest statement ever uttered in the history of politics."

"Democrats announced that if Newt Gingrich is elected president, they plan to have Marianne Gingrich give all the Democratic rebuttals to State of the Union speeches."

"Even though he's dropped out of the race, Rick Perry is still on the national stage. Perry weighed in on relocating endangered beetles for the Keystone XL pipeline. Perry said it's OK to relocate Ringo, but he doesn't want Paul moved."

"ABC just aired a bombshell interview with Newt Gingrich's ex-wife Marianne. The GOP election has been eerily similar to an old TV show. We have a Marianne, we have a wealthy guy, Mitt Romney, like Thurston Howell III, and we had an a.k.a. Gilligan, Rick Perry."

"During the debates, candidates have been criticizing Mitt Romney but wrapping that criticism in anti-Obama rhetoric. For example: "President Obama has repeatedly failed this country. His economic and health care plans are hugely disappointing; just like Romney's hair." "

"The Nebraska Board of Regents is considering an increase in residence hall rates in the Nebraska system. With their uncanny sense of timing, the Regents try to raise rates three days after bedbugs were discovered in a UNL residence hall."

"Cleveland Indians starting pitcher Fausto Carmona was arrested for allegedly using a false identity. I realize the fortunes of professional sports in Cleveland have lagged, but this is a new low. "You're a pro athlete in Cleveland?" "Not me." "

Breaking Brad

Tuesday Jan 18, 2012:

"Emphasizing his experience in the private sector, Mitt Romney said he once feared getting a pink slip. Then he remembered that he owned the company, the parent corporation and indeed most of the state, and he was able to relax."

"Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton is in Liberia attending the inauguration of the Liberian president. There was another gaffe when a confused Rick Perry called for inoculating all Americans to keep them from contracting Liberia."

"Romney is carrying a giant tote board showing the national debt wherever he goes. How annoying would this be at a cocktail party?"

"President Obama is calling for elevating the Small Business Administration to a cabinet-level agency. Unfortunately, due to Obama policies, the Small Business Administration now includes General Motors, J.P. Morgan and General Electric."

"Rick Santorum predicted that by the Florida primary, the GOP race will be down to three candidates. Unfortunately, that's still two too many if you don't want to confuse Florida voters."

"According to a study, Santorum blinks 61.4 times per minute, twice as much as the average person or any other candidate. Are we ready for a president who looks like a POW being interrogated?"

"A man in Palm Beach, Fla., broke a waiter's finger because the service was bad... Knowing what I know about human anatomy, breaking the finger of your server will likely only make the service even slower."

"In New York City, a parrot is missing. According to the owner, the parrot loved to sing opera until the wee hours. I'd say the list of suspects starts with the next-door neighbor."

Tuesday Jan 17, 2012:

"Jon Huntsman has dropped out of the presidential race... On Monday, Huntsman implied he was running low on endurance and resources and was quitting the race in the resort community of Myrtle Beach, S.C. Ironically, in the background during the press conference, President Obama and Joe Biden passed by in a golf cart."

"We still don't know who won the Iowa caucuses. This is why Iowa votes first in the 2012 election: so we know the name of the winner by the 2016 election."

"An anonymous benefactor has been going around paying off the layaway fees for Kmart customers. After he paid off one $150 layaway fee, the Kmart clerk told him, "For an extra 300 bucks you can have the entire store." "

"The Disney family is attempting to buy the Los Angeles Dodgers. Just the chance this could mean seeing Tommy Lasorda in mouse ears is reason enough for the commissioner to quash the deal."

"Detroit Tigers pitcher Justin Verlander said he eats Taco Bell before all his starts. It doesn't help him pitch better, but it makes it less likely the manager will approach the mound for conferences."

Monday Jan 16, 2012:

"After dropping out of the presidential race, Jon Huntsman endorsed Mitt Romney. Also today, Snooki from "Jersey Shore" endorsed a may-get-back-in-the-race Donald Trump. Looking at the two endorsements, I've gotta say: advantage Trump."

"On Friday, a full-sized barn and silo were moved 4 miles through the narrow streets of western Douglas County. You think our morning commute was bad, how'd you like to look up and see you're behind a barn and silo?"

"The GOP nomination appears to be Mitt Romney's to lose. If so, that would mean Republicans face potentially their biggest challenge ever: getting excited about a nominee who lost to John McCain in 2008."

"Todd Palin has endorsed Newt Gingrich for president. Desperate for big-name endorsements, Rick Perry was said to be flying into Wasilla, Alaska, to try and get the support of Levi Johnston."

"Bill Clinton caught a puck at a New York Rangers game. No surprise there. Clinton developed fast hands in the living quarters of the White House, catching lamps that were hurled at him."

Tuesday Jan 17, 2012:

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

"President Obama will be going to Disney World where he'll unveil his new plan to create jobs. And what better place for the president to talk about his jobs plan than Fantasyland?"

"Newt Gingrich has released a new ad attacking Mitt Romney because he knows how to speak French. Well, Romney is not the only one. John Huntsman speaks Chinese. Rick Perry, of course, speaks gibberish."

Conan

"Wikipedia is going to shut down at midnight. So you have less than one hour to get most of your facts wrong."

"It's being reported that a woman took her 5-year-old son along on a bank robbery. Apparently, she told the teller, “Give me all your money or I'm leaving my 5-year-old.” "

Late Show with David Letterman

"At the first Republican debate, they were standing behind podiums, then they had them at a round table, and then one night they had them in bunk beds."

Monday Jan 16, 2012:

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

"During a campaign event on Saturday, Mitt Romney reached into his pocket and gave cash to a woman who said she was broke. Which got awkward, when she was like, “I'm also lonely!” "

Thursday Jan 12, 2012:

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

"There are now more obese people in the United States than there are overweight people. I think it's safe to say that after all these years, Diet Coke is a complete failure."

Conan

"Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt visited the White House. There was an odd moment when they tried to adopt President Obama."

Late Show with David Letterman

"The one Kardashian got married and it lasted for 72 days. You know, I have cottage cheese older than that."

The Late Show with Craig Ferguson

"In North Korea, they announced they’re going to embalm Kim Jong Il’s body and put it on display just like Russia did with Lenin and America did with Larry King."

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

"McDonald’s has announced that for the next month in the United Kingdom, Happy Meals will come with a book instead of a toy. And they will be renamed “Disappointment Meals.” "

Breaking Brad

"In Florida, a crocodile knocked down the front door of a family's home, ripped the door to shreds, forced its way into the living room and refused to leave. Which reminds me: On Friday, the new Girl Scout cookie drive gets under way."

"It's Friday the 13th, the day for bad luck... I shudder to think what could happen to the Rick Perry campaign today."

"This year you will receive your Girl Scout cookies when you purchase them. This is probably designed to appeal to overweight Americans. Next year, the Scouts are designing a funnel so they can feed you through your doggie door at the time of purchase."

"Nebraska Gov. Dave Heineman delivered his State of the State address Thursday. Heineman said he wanted to give the address before Bob Kerrey flies back to the home where he's lived for 10 years, 3,000 miles away from the great state of Nebraska."

"Bob Kerrey is still deliberating over whether to run for Senate. Republicans point out that running for U.S. Senate "is not a charisma contest." I can validate that statement with three words: Senator Mike Johanns."

"Kerrey may be home shopping in Nebraska. He's not looking to buy. He wants a rental with a six-year lease."

"Final tallies are in and Rick Perry received 1 percent of the vote in New Hampshire. So it's nice to see he exceeded expectations."

"Republicans are about to unveil an alternative to Social Security. I believe it's called "Get Old and Starve." "

"In Charlton, Mass., a local library sent police to the home of a 5-year-old who had two overdue library books. Today, library officials were busy waterboarding a guy who left the door to the audiovisual room ajar."

"The Miss America pageant is this weekend in Las Vegas. Contestants are judged on looks and interviews, and about 10 percent on talent. So it's like the presidential race, only with an evening gown competition."

"Reportedly, Maria Shriver is thinking of reconciling with Arnold Schwarzenegger. He told her, "You're the only one who understands me." He meant it literally. In the entire country, she's the only person who can understand what he's saying."

Breaking Brad

"Winds have been gusting up to 55 mph in Omaha. Early Thursday morning, people in northwest Omaha reported a UFO orbiting town. That was actually the garbage can I set by the curb the night before."

"Professional wrestling is coming to the CenturyLink Center in Omaha. For those of you unfamiliar with pro wrestling, it's a lot like the Iowa GOP campaigns, only with less taunting."

"According to a new book, "The Obamas," the first family threw an extravagant White House costume party with the actual Star Wars Chewbacca costume on loan from George Lucas. GOP candidates for president are demanding that Obama testify about the incident before Congress in the Chewbacca suit."

"Santorum visited a New Hampshire high school. When students saw the guy with the short haircut and his shirt tucked in, Santorum was given a wedgie and stuffed in a locker."

"The GOP presidential candidates just participated in two debates in 12 hours. Near the end of the second debate, Rick Perry ran out of gaffes."

"Lincoln streets are going to undergo a procedure called microsurfacing, which consists of adding a layer of oil, rock aggregate and cement mixture to preserve their life span. It's the same procedure Nancy Pelosi has every five years."

"According to a new survey, Americans are unprepared for retirement. I say, why even worry about something that won't happen until we're in our mid-90s?"

"Martha Stewart's show on the Hallmark Channel has been canceled. I think it's pretty much a tossup over which was more humiliating for Martha - going to prison or being canceled by the Hallmark Channel."

"After his team won the Capital One Bowl, coach Steve Spurrier said he's going to get the South Carolina players rings with an "11" on them. Larry King has the same thing on his wedding band."

Wednesday Jan 11, 2012:

The Late Show with Craig Ferguson

"The thing I don't like about Romney is that he's not funny. For a while, the field was looking promising for late night comedians."

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

"I'm Jimmy. I'm the host of the show. I'm also the host for a deadly new virus. But let's keep that quiet, if we could."

"Fidel Castro posted a blog entry this week titled "The Best President." Castro thinks a robot would do a better job than President Obama. And if Mitt Romney wins, that could happen."

"With all due respect, Castro, we tried the robot thing here in California. And it didn't work out."

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

"After Iowa and New Hampshire, Mitt Romney is now two-for-two. After his performance last night, Rick Perry’s campaign merchandise is now two-for-one."

Breaking Brad

"OPPD wants to persuade 10,000 customers to attach a control device so OPPD can turn your air conditioner on and off next summer. I think that's OK, provided consumers can attach an electronic device to OPPD board members which administers a jolt of electricity when they try to raise rates."

"Mitt Romney just swept to victory in the New Hampshire primary. I wouldn't say it was an easy win, but at first I thought the vote totals were from the election of the new North Korean leader."

"For those who don't follow politics closely, I'll put it in these terms: in the New Hampshire primary, Romney was Alabama in the BCS championship game, and everybody else was LSU."

"There's a tough new tell-all book on the market called "The Obamas." They're just lucky it's not called "Dick Cheney's ‘The Obamas'" "

"According to the book, the Obamas threw a lavish White House costume party featuring Johnny Depp and the actual Chewbacca costume on loan from George Lucas. This just in: if anyone has a photo of President Obama dressed as Chewbacca, the Romney campaign will pay up to $7 million."

"Nothing dulls the Obama message that he relates to the middle class more than to see the president dressed as Chewbacca and hanging out with Johnny Depp."

"Speaking of parties, Rick Santorum just hosted a wild one. Santorum and his friends watched "Waltons" reruns while drinking apple cider till almost 9 p.m."

"President Obama said something very profound that could impact the future of the world today. What, I have no idea, since every reporter and photographer in the country was covering Beyonce's new baby."

"Former president Jimmy Carter has reportedly given President Obama advice on winning reelection. That's a little like Obama asking Charles Barkley to tutor him in his golf game."

"Jimmy Carter? Was Mike Dukakis unavailable?"

Tuesday Jan 10, 2012:

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

"You know the difference between Michele Bachmann, Rick Perry, and Tim Tebow? When God tells Tim Tebow to run, he wins."

"In Saturday night's Republican debate, Jon Huntsman spoke Chinese. Why Chinese? If you want to reach the American people, you’ve got to speak Spanish."

Conan

"Fidel Castro declared that a robot would do a better job as president than Barack Obama. After hearing this, Mitt Romney thanked Castro for his endorsement."

"Mitt Romney is saying his comments about liking to fire people were taken out of context. Yeah, what he actually said was he likes to set poor people on fire."

The Late Show with Craig Ferguson

"The economy is so bad in Vegas, the Bellagio replaced the dancing waters with a fat guy holding a hose."

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

"There’s a TV where you change the channel by talking. I’m not sure it works. When I yelled “Crap!” during a football game, the TV put on “Jersey Shore.” "

Primary gets late night laughs

Breaking Brad

"Michelle Obama stopped at a Washington, D.C., fast food restaurant and ordered a burger, fries and chocolate malt. Then she rushed home to continue work on her newly dubbed "Do As I Say, Not As I Do" childhood obesity campaign."

"Novartis announced a recall of NoDoz. It's tragic the recall happened the day before the Alabama-LSU BCS national title game, which made it literally impossible for one viewer to stay awake."

"This was the first national championship game where I was asking myself: "I wonder what's on TV Land?""

"For the first time in recent memory, the Nebraska Legislature began the week on Monday with the Pledge of Allegiance. I'm proud. I'd be even prouder if this wasn't followed by a four-hour debate on unwanted kissing and a six-hour filibuster to prevent a soda pop tax vote."

"A new Casey Anthony video has surfaced. If you miss the video, Nancy Grace plans to devote her next 2,189 shows to it."

"In Manchester, N.H., a giant sinkhole opened under a car and the driver had to be rescued by the fire department. It's just as well Rick Perry didn't campaign in New Hampshire. The way things are going, there's a 90 percent his bus would end up at the bottom."

"I'm trying to confirm that as the motorist was pulled out of the sinkhole, she was heard shouting, "At least this is better than the streets of Omaha." "

"Rick Santorum said now that he's the co-front-runner, he feels like Rocky Balboa. Actually, with all the different front-runners the Republicans have had, to me this feels more like Rocky VI."

"Mitt Romney wore a necktie during the last debate that some say contained designs that resembled "male reproductive organs." A political expert said he doesn't believe that was the message Romney wanted to convey. Do you think?"

"Surrounded by supporters, Jon Huntsman said he's confident he'll do better in the New Hampshire primary than he did in the Iowa caucuses. Just the fact he's surrounded by supporters - with an "s" - indicates he'll do better than in Iowa."

"President Obama is trying to portray himself as someone in tune with the middle class. Obama definitely understands the middle class: He sometimes watches them via telescope from the planetarium of the beach house he rents for vacations."

"I read that Obama nemesis and House Majority Leader Eric Cantor lives with his family and his mother-in-law. President Obama also lives with his mother-in-law. I think this is why we have Washington gridlock - negotiations are led by two guys who have the judgment skills to live with their mothers-in-law."

"A cat in Ohio survived a 200-mile ride under the hood of a car. The ride was so hot, noisy and rough that a couple of times the cat almost woke up."

"Michael Jordan is engaged... The couple is planning a small, intimate wedding. Jordan is only inviting NBA players he hasn't alienated."

Monday Jan 9, 2012:

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

"A group calling itself the Courage Campaign is trying to win support for a millionaire tax by running an ad showing Kim Kardashian. They want the Kardashians to pay more. This is part of the plan to raise taxes on the dumbest 1 percent."

Late Show with David Letterman

"Turns out Mitt Romney is Mexican, did you know that? His entire family is from Mexico. Not only that, he was the Lone Ranger."

The Late Show with Craig Ferguson

"The police suspected Snoop Dogg’s tour bus had marijuana in it. They say their biggest clue was that it was Snoop Dogg’s tour bus."

Breaking Brad

"Certain bottles of Excedrin, NoDoz, Bufferin and Gas-X have been recalled. Chances are that if you use all four, you weren't going to have a good day anyway."

Breaking Brad

Thursday Jan 5, 2012:

"In India, thousands of doctors suddenly walked off the job. In the U.S. that's called “the opening of golf season.” "

"The president of Yemen received permission to come to the United States to receive medical treatment... If he undergoes treatment here, I have a few tips for the Yemeni president: The half day wait in the ER, the 15 contradictory hospital bills and that $69 you were charged for the aspirin - those are normal."

"Joe Jacoby, a member of the Washington Redskins “Hogs” offensive line, has received his college degree from Louisville at age 52. You know what you call it when a football player graduates from Oklahoma at 52? “The accelerated program.” "

Friday Jan 6, 2012:

"Romney's eldest son Tagg is now campaigning for him. Tagg. Sounds like the Romneys perused the "Big Book of Sarah Palin Baby Names." "

"Now there's a claim that some shampoos can cause you to gain weight. This is truly the greatest country in the world. Only in the U.S. can you overeat during the holidays, put on 20 pounds and then blame it on hair care products."

"I'm not a scientist, but it seems the only way shampoo can cause you to put on weight is if you eat it in the shower."

Breaking Brad

Tuesday Jan 3, 2012:

"Officials are touting a foolproof plan to pay off the national deficit: Bet against Big Ten teams in college bowl games."

"Michelle Obama said if she's reincarnated, she wants to come back as Bo the dog because he leads a carefree life with no responsibilities. If that's what she's looking for, she could come back as Joe Biden."

"Donald Trump switched his voter registration from Republican to "unaffiliated" and then blasted the Republicans. I wouldn't say he's a little vengeful, but if Trump is ever elected president, we may become the first country to withdraw from the U.N. because the president doesn't like his parking spot."

"In Europe, the most popular toy last year was faux doggie doo. It's hard to believe these people can't come up with a solution to stave off the financial contagion."

"As if losing the Rose Bowl isn't bad enough, now Wisconsin fans heading home from California are livid after the airlines charged them up to $200 to check their butter churns."

"The Huskers flew right home after the Capital One Bowl so as not to miss class. Of course I mean Bo Pelini's anger management class."

"A Tacoma, Wash., octopus named Rocky picked Oregon to beat Wisconsin in the Rose Bowl. Even octopuses know Big Ten teams hardly ever win the Rose Bowl."

"An octopus is picking BCS games. I applaud the progress of a system that's gone from Matt Millen, Craig James and Lee Corso trying to pick college football games to octopuses doing so."

"In the fourth quarter of the Insight Bowl, an overhead camera dropped to the field. It would've been something if this occurred right after ESPN announcers said, "Despite the bowl struggles, the sky is not falling on the Big Ten." "

"After a sack against Green Bay, Ndamukong Suh did a dance mocking Aaron Rodgers' touchdown celebration. This after Suh's stomping incident vs. the Packers. Let's play Jeopardy. Answer: Listeria, swine flu and car trouble. Question: Name three things more popular in Green Bay than Ndamukong Suh."

Wednesday Jan 4, 2012:

"On Wednesday morning, Michele Bachmann suspended her campaign. She's suspending all work indefinitely, or, as President Obama refers to that, "vacationing." "

"Rick Perry flew home to Texas to reassess his campaign. Bachmann was going to fly home. Then she realized she's spent so much time in Iowa, she's a legal resident."

"The world record in the women's 5,000 meters was just shattered. It was broken by Michele Bachmann leaving Iowa."

"College bowl attendance is down 2.5 percent. Someone should conduct a study into why bowls featuring great teams with records of 6-6 and playing in exotic locales like Boise, Detroit and Shreveport just can't seem to draw people."

"Nebraska Gov. Dave Heineman called on Omaha to "tighten your belts" and reduce spending. Soon as they heard this, the Omaha City Council leapt into action and approved a $980,000, five-year study to determine the best ways of reducing spending."

"In the closest Iowa contest in history, Mitt Romney and Rick Santorum ended up in a virtual tie. It's bad enough nothing gets done in Washington, but now we have caucus gridlock."

"During his concession speech, Newt Gingrich lashed out at a couple of his opponents. In political circles, this is considered about as appropriate as using a toast at a 50th anniversary to rail against your problems with garbage pickup."

"Michele Bachmann got 6,073 votes in Iowa, which works out to about 1 vote for every hour she spent in the state."

"There's actually a movie about one candidate's experiences coming out called "National Lampoon Presents Rick Perry's Iowa Campaign." "

"In Council Bluffs, Mitt Romney said that President Obama's campaign promises are about as good as Kim Kardashian's wedding vow to stay together "till death do us part." A quick announcement: "Breaking Brad" will be off next week. In its place will be a column called "Breaking Mitt." "

"Michele Bachmann is winning the support of young voters who were home schooled. This works out great. Not only do home schooled young adults support Bachmann, but then the home schooled kids tell all their friends ... well, maybe the impact isn't all that great."

"The new Girl Scout Nebraska-Iowa cookie drive begins Jan. 13... The goal of the Girl Scout cookie drive: Help the girls develop people skills. Of course I'm defining people skills as sitting at a folding table outside a grocery store while your mother hollers at passers-by to buy some thin mint wafers."

"At a Walmart in North Carolina, a man attempted to pay for $476 worth of merchandise with a counterfeit $1 million bill. I'm not sure which is dumber: Expecting the Walmart clerk to not know a $1 million bill is fake, or, expecting her to have change for it."

"Sears and Kmart stores around the country are closing after losing out to their "chief competition," which I believe would be garage sales."

Breaking Brad

"It's expected to get up to 60 degrees in parts of Nebraska on Saturday. The high during the Capital One Bowl in Orlando is expected to be 64. So if you went to Orlando for the weather, congratulations. You traveled about 2,000 miles to gain 4 degrees."

"The Michele Bachmann campaign was in Council Bluffs on Thursday. She wasn't there. It was Ron Paul with all the Bachmann campaign staff members who now work for him."

"Several New Year's fireworks demonstrations are planned in Omaha. This is the only metropolitan area that recycles Christmas trees by tying them to bottle rockets and aiming ‘em toward Iowa."

"With Sen. Ben Nelson leaving the Senate, now Democrats are scrambling to see who they'll nominate. Omaha Democrats already have the buses full of homeless people gassed up ready to hit the polls. They just need to learn the name of the candidate."

"Romney compared Newt Gingrich to Lucille Ball in "I Love Lucy." Remember when the campaign began and candidates were being compared to Ronald Reagan? Now that we know more about them, it's Lucy in the chocolate factory."

"President Obama's popularity is up 5 percent. The message this sends to the president is, "Forget trying to solve the country's problems. The American people want me thousands of miles out of Washington on vacation." "

"According to a new study, learning actually begins inside the womb. Here's an interesting stat: By the time a baby is born in Nebraska, that baby already knows all the math he or she will learn by high school graduation."

"Arctic snow owls that are rarely seen this far south has been spotted in the Omaha area. The owls require a habitat with lots of snow for ground cover, so apparently they're familiar with the Omaha Public Works Department's snow-removal efficiency."

"This is the time of year when many journalists write end-of-the-year review lists. So tomorrow I'll be posting my Top 25 Omaha Water Main Breaks of 2011."

"At the pre-Rose Bowl Beef Bowl Oregon guard Mark Asper saved a choking restaurant patron by performing the Heimlich maneuver. I'm guessing the restaurant patron began choking right after seeing the Oregon uniforms."

Breaking Brad

"American Idol champ Kelly Clarkson Tweeted her support for Ron Paul. Sadly, in today's world, this endorsement is worth more than Bill Clinton's and Bob Dole's combined."

"Mitt Romney said on Wednesday he's ready and that the caucuses should be held "right now." Iowa officials said that's out of the question, unless of course New Hampshire moves its primary to Thursday, in which case "we can be ready in half an hour." "

"The Nebraska Legislature is considering lowering the top tax rate, which is levied on single people earning more than $27,000 per year. Yes, I think when the guy hanging from the Deffenbaugh truck who picks up Warren Buffett's cans is in the same state tax bracket as Buffett, there may be a problem."

"The Michele Bachmann campaign has suffered a "significant setback." The Iowa caucuses will take place next Tuesday."

"There is still some good news for Bachmann: Her husband said he's "leaning toward" voting for her."

"Mitt Romney embarked on his bus tour of Iowa. It's fascinating. Until now I didn't even know Rolls-Royce made a bus."

"Rick Perry is visiting Perry, Iowa. Is it a good idea to confuse a candidate so close to the caucuses?"

Breaking Brad

"Nebraska Sen. Ben Nelson announced he's retiring. Nelson has been in Washington so long that he can remember an accomplishment."

"Nelson's immediate plans are to do absolutely nothing. So it sounds like he has his eye on the House of Representatives."

"Nelson announced his retirement on YouTube and got lots of hits, mostly from YouTube fans who saw Nelson's hair and thought it was a cat video."

"Now Lee Terry could be reconsidering a bid for Senate and may be contacting family members. As always, he's contacting them by robocalls."

"I'm looking forward to watching the ball in Times Square drop on New Year's Eve. Interestingly, the ball won't be falling as fast as Rick Perry has dropped in the polls."

"A 39-year-old man in upstate New York stole a Greyhound bus to impress others at a holiday gathering. Now how lame is your holiday gathering when you're impressed by a guy driving up in a stolen Greyhound?"

"The Obamas' Hawaiian vacation is expected to cost taxpayers almost $4 million. In this economy, do they need to go to Hawaii? I hear nice things about Branson."

"According to a report, the Michele Bachmann campaign is “in chaos.” When he heard that, Rick Perry said, “Chaos? Is that a county in Iowa?” "

"During her bus tour of Iowa, Bachmann has a strict “no questions” policy. From the debates, we know the candidates have no answers. Now there are no questions either."

"Men's Health magazine named Omaha the fourth happiest city in the country. I was feeling pretty good until I read that Fargo was third."

"Southwest Airlines left a 9-year-old passenger off in the wrong state. She was headed to New York and was left stranded in Maryland. The standards for airlines are so low that Southwest officials are saying, “Hey, at least we got the eastern seaboard thing right.” "

"The AT&T-T-Mobile merger has collapsed. That's good news. Now AT&T and T-Mobile won't get to pool their resources to create the most annoying TV commercial in history."

"Two American women are on the verge of being anointed sainthood. I'm guessing they're a couple of wives whose husbands are watching all 35 college bowl games."

"A man in San Diego set a world record by bench pressing a live dog 36 times in 30 seconds. I saw a guy on the news bench pressing a dog. For a second I thought it was footage of the Texas Tech weight room."

"Halftime at Denver Broncos games often features a monkey riding a horse. Did you see the monkey riding a horse? It looks like an afternoon act at the Red Sky Music Festival."

Breaking Brad

"Men's Health magazine named Omaha the fourth happiest city in the country. Sociologists immediately began trying to determine if high taxes, bad weather and potholes are actually what make humans happy."

"Fargo was third, so I'm guessing climate doesn't have a whole lot to do with it."

"All the presidential candidates observed Christmas in their own way. Newt Gingrich stopped to wish the nation a joyous day, Rick Perry spent time in quiet reflection and Michele Bachmann launched a study to determine if Santa is gay."

"On Monday, Rick Santorum went pheasant hunting near Adel, Iowa. So while Santorum has thus far failed to prove he's presidential, he could have shot his hunting partner to prove he's vice presidential."

"In New York state, a 26-year-old woman is accused of punching a 70-year-old Walmart greeter... I saw video of the 26-year-old punching a 70-year-old and mistook it for an Evander Holyfield fight."

"President Obama went on Twitter to encourage Americans to tell Congress what they think about the payroll tax cut extension. That took guts. Obama has avoided Twitter ever since he explained his entire economic plan in a Tweet and had 98 characters left over."

"A man has set a world record for largest amount of American quarters that will fit inside a belly button - 30. Just when you think that record can't get any dumber, it was in the innie category. The outie category is probably something like four."

Thursday Dec 22, 2011:

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

"The Pope came out again this week against materialism. He says for Christmastime, instead of giving material presents, you should give of yourself. You can really tell the Pope's not married, can't you?"

"Anthony Weiner and is his wife, Huma, have given birth to a baby boy. He posted a photo of the new baby on Twitter, but people are afraid to open it."

The Late Show with Craig Ferguson

"Only two more shopping days until Christmas. So if you haven't crossed off everyone on your list and finished wrapping every last present, it's officially time to panic. With only 48 hours left, there is just one way to get everything done: crystal methamphetamine."

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

"In a new interview, President Obama was asked to describe Michelle, and he used the words “beautiful, smart, and funny.” When asked how he picked those, he used the words, “she’s, sitting, and right-next-to-me.” "

Breaking Brad

"On Wednesday, President Obama went Christmas shopping in Washington and paid for his purchases with a credit card. How does a guy partially responsible for an $11 trillion debt even get a credit card?"

Tuesday Dec 20, 2011:

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

"A survey released today found that men spend twice as much on their mistresses for Christmas as they do on their wives. On the other hand, men spend half their income on the wives when the wife finds out about the mistress. So it all balances out."

Conan

"Mitt Romney’s wife says her husband loves caffeine free Diet Coke. Or as it's known in the Mormon community, the ultimate gateway drug."

Late Show with David Letterman

"I went to buy my Christmas tree the other day for $200. And I'm not stupid. The guy says to me, "Would you like the three-year warranty?” "

The Late Show with Craig Ferguson

"It is of course the first day of Hanukkah. So happy Hanukkah to our Jewish viewer."

Monday Dec 19, 2011:

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

"The FDA is now warning people not to eat raw cookie dough this holiday season. Is that how fat we're getting in this country? Our ovens are too slow now?"

"When Rick Perry was told about Kim Jong Il, he said, “I never heard of him, but then again, I don't listen to that rap.” "

"During the debate the other night, Rick Perry compared himself to Tim Tebow. You know what Rick and Tebow have in common? Both their seasons will end before February."

Conan

"It is being reported that school children in North Korea were taught that Kim Jong Il did not ever use the bathroom. So today, most school children in North Korea assumed that their fearless leader exploded."

"It was leaked that tiger woods' divorce settlement ended up netting his wife almost $100 million. The news was leaked to the New York Times, the Los Angeles Times, and Kobe Bryant's wife."

Late Show with David Letterman

"Newt Gingrich is demanding that judges be arrested. I thought, “Whoa, that's what two divorces will do for you.” "

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

"The White House already had its annual Hanukkah reception. Yeah, first Obama lit a menorah. Then Biden made a wish and blew it out."

"Kim Jong Il, the crazy leader of North Korea who hates us, passed away over the weekend. And get this — his 28-year-old son, Kim Jong Un is taking over. It won’t be easy. He’s got some big women’s sunglasses to fill."

Thursday Dec15, 2011:

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

"The National Transportation Safety Board called for an all-out ban on cell phone use while driving. Headsets, Bluetooth, everything would be banned. I read it on my iPhone as I was coming into work this morning."

"According to a new CBS poll, 33 percent of Americans say they won't have enough money to cover their holiday spending. I believe these people are called Congress."

"If there is a shutdown, 800,000 nonessential federal employees will be suspended. You know, maybe that's our budget problem right there. We have 800,000 nonessential federal employees."

Conan

"On the campaign trail, Ron Paul said he does not like his milk homogenized. After this, Rick Perry said, “I am also not a fan of gay milk.”"

Late Show with David Letterman

"Here's why American voters are turning to Ron Paul. A team of doctors has determined that Ron Paul is physically incapable of having a sex scandal."

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

"In Sioux City, Iowa, there was another debate between the seven Republicans running for president. All your favorites were there: Grumpy, Dopey, the other Dopey, Romney, Bashful, another Dopey, and Happy."

"This was the 427th of 2,000 debates to be held between now and when President Obama is re-elected... There are so many debates. For a group of people who don't want the government interfering in our lives a lot, they interfere in our lives a lot."

Wednesday Dec 14, 2011:

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

"Rick Perry has made so many gaffes lately, it is hard to tell if he's running against President Obama or Joe Biden."

"Ron Paul is in favor of letting states legalize marijuana, prostitution, and cocaine. So even if he doesn't win, that's going to be one heck of an election night party."

"Employees at Pepsi who smoke have to pay $50 a month more for health insurance because of their risk to their personal health. Even worse, employees who drink Pepsi have to pay $100 a month."

"According to a Gallup survey, the average American man now weighs 196 pounds. The average American woman weighs 160 pounds. That's up from 142 pounds just 11 years ago. You know what that means? Our fattest Americans have been eating the skinniest ones."

Conan

"Parents in a Connecticut town are upset because their children's' bus driver told the kids that Santa Claus is not real and that Jesus wasn't born on Christmas. Then the kids got really upset when the driver told them, “And I don't have a driver's license.” "

Tuesday Dec 13, 2011:

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

"Rick Perry said there were eight supreme court justices instead of nine. But, in his defense, he did know there were only three judges on "Dancing With the Stars." "

"Iran is now in possession of an American drone. When I heard that I thought, "Oh, my god, they captured Joe Biden?" "

Conan

"According to a new survey, some people are waiting until after Christmas to do their holiday shopping. Yeah, these people are known as men."

"Newt Gingrich released a statement promising he would not cheat on his wife. Even better, he said he wouldn't cheat on his next wife either, or the one after that."

Late Show with David Letterman

"Lindsay Lohan had her purse stolen. She's missing cash, passports, and three stolen necklaces."

"Mitt Romney says if he is president he will create 11 million new jobs. Sure, they'll all be in China, but a job is a job, ladies and gentlemen."

Top Ten Signs the Candidates Have Debate Fatigue

10 Most frequent question from moderators: “You awake?”
9 Michele O’Bachmann trying to get her husband to pray away the tedium
8 Newt Gingrich opened a revolving account with Sleepy’s
7 When asked a question, they all keep texting and mutter, “Uh huh, uh, huh . . . “
6 Last night, Romney challenged Perry to a $10,000 game of “Words With Friends”
5 Ron Paul’s fake eyebrows are twitching
4 Theme of the debate: “Who Cares?”
3 Jon Huntsman tried to . . . Wait, who is Jon Huntsman?
2 They all walk around dazed and miserable — it’s like working here
1 At last debate, Rick Perry said, “Debate my butt!”

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

"Donald trump announced this morning that he will not serve as moderator at the GOP debate that was scheduled for Dec. 27. He said he had to cancel the debate because he may want to run as an independent candidate — and because only two of the GOP candidates decided to show up."

Monday Dec 12, 2011:

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

"In Hawaii this weekend, someone stole Lindsay Lohan’s purse with $10,000 in it... Luckily, she got the purse back, but the $10,000 was missing. It turns out the guy who stole it needed the money to pay off a bet with Mitt Romney."

Conan

"A guy went loose in a mall in New Hampshire smashing things with a hammer and he's charged with feeling like we all do in a mall around Christmas time."

"Many voters feel that Mitt Romney is out of touch with real Americans after he tried to make a bet with Rick Perry for $10,000. When asked to comment, Mitt said, “I'm sorry, but that's all I had in my pocket at the time.” "

Late Show with David Letterman

"Ron Paul looks like one of your old relatives. The guy that keeps sending you the blank emails."

The Late Show with Craig Ferguson

"In the run up to Christmas, shipping companies are doing twice as many shipments as normal. So today is the best day to send drugs through the mail and not get caught."

Thursday Dec 8, 2011:

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

"I'm not sure Rick Perry got it. Like when they asked him what he'd do about the West Bank, he said he’d bring back free checking."

Conan

"The White House held its annual Hanukkah celebration. It was a traditional Jewish ceremony, except for the part where it was hosted by a black man from Hawaii."

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

"Vice President Joe Biden just mailed his family Christmas card which is signed with his dog Champ's paw print. The weird thing is, Biden actually does that with all his important documents."

Wednesday Dec 7, 2011:

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

"Former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich sentenced to 14 years in prison. This is the most disgraceful thing to happen to an Illinois governor since their last governor."

Conan

"India has suspended its plans to let a Wal-Mart open in its country. The prime minister's exact words were “India will make your crappy clothes, but we won't buy them.” "

"Someone hacked into Facebook and leaked Mark Zuckerberg's private photos. When Zuckerberg realized someone had showed a blatant disregard for his privacy, he hired them."

Late Show with David Letterman

"Mitt Romney now says the gloves are coming off. And then Ron Paul said, "And my teeth are coming out.” "

The Late Show with Craig Ferguson

"The former governor of Illinois Rod Blagojevich got 14 Years in prison... To give you an idea how long that is, take Kim Kardashian's marriage and add 14 years."

Monday Dec 5, 2011:

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

"To save money, the U.S. Postal Service announced the end of next-day service. That's a good way to get people to come back, isn't it? Make your service even slower than it already is."

"Due to the bad economy, the Queen of England’s salary will be frozen for the next four years. In fact, to make ends meet the queen is thinking of having a yard sale. Getting rid of a lot of stuff they don't use anymore, like Canada."

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

"It’s the anniversary of the glorious day when prohibition was repealed in 1933... Prohibition was a dark time. Alcohol was illegal and peppermint latte was not invented yet. How did people make it through the day?"

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

"Now that he's back home, Cain has a huge to-do list for himself, such as cleaning out the garage and living in it."

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

"Everybody’s talking about the presidential election. And this is big: Two days after stepping down, there are rumors that Herman Cain is endorsing his former rival, Newt Gingrich. Not to be president, but to be his new wingman."

"Even though Herman Cain is suspending his campaign, he’s launching a new website called TheCainSolution.com. Yeah, it’s the only political website that makes you click an “I’m Over 18” button to enter."

Friday Dec 2, 2011:

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

"The good news is, the unemployment rate has dropped to 8.6 percent. The bad news is, most of those require a sack, a red suit, and a beard."

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

" "Americas Most Wanted" used to be on FOX, but it was canceled because executives at FOX realized the show actually helped people."

"FOX shows are usually just loud cartoon characters making fools of themselves. You know, like Homer Simpson, Family Guy, Simon Cowell."

Thursday Dec 1, 2011:

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

"I was in the supermarket today, and I saw some Occupy Wall Street protesters in the dairy department. They were protesting the 1 percent milk."

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

"Congress just lifted a ban on producing and exporting horse meat. Or as Taco Bell put it, “There was a ban on that?” "

Tuesday Nov 29, 2011:

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

"Hey, what's the difference between Herman Cain and Dr. Conrad Murray? Conrad Murray will get to serve a full four-year term."

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

"I just saw this. Vice President Biden will travel to Turkey to speak at an economic summit. When he heard he was giving a speech to Turkey, Biden was like, (CLEAR THROAT) ‘I am SO sorry about Thanksgiving.' "

Monday Nov 21 2011:

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

"It looks like the supercommittee chosen by President Obama to come up with a plan to solve the deficit has failed... Don't worry, President Obama has announced a new plan. Next week, he's appointing a super duper committee."

"I'm not sure Rick Perry understands Thanksgiving. When they asked him if he was going to deep-fry a turkey, he said, "Well, if he's found guilty." "

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

"In olden times, Thanksgiving was the one day of year that people in the country overate. Now we do it all 365 days."

"The big movie was the latest installment of " Twilight" It made more than $140 million over the weekend. I have to say it's refreshing to finally see a story about wolves and teen pregnancy that doesn't involve the Palins."

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

"Last week in New Hampshire, Herman Cain said that presidents don't need to know every detail of every country in the world and he said he's going to take that message across America to all 30 states."

Tweets from the very liberal comedian Andy Borowitz:

Mitt Romney

• Romney: “As President I would tap into the massive reserves of oil currently stored in my hair.”
• Mitt Romney is totally qualified to be President, which in Tea Party logic totally disqualifies him.
• Mitt Romney is like when there’s nothing on TV and you just watch the Weather Channel.
• Every day, Mitt Romney must wake up smiling with this thought: “My main opponent is a pizza guy named Herman.”
• Romney: “I’m not worried about poor people. They have cardboard boxes to live in.”

Rick Perry

• BREAKING: Rick Perry requests that future debates be multiple choice
• Rick Perry: If I’m elected, China will not steal my intellectual property because I don’t have any.
• CIA says indecipherable chatter appears to be Rick Perry
• Rick Perry is a Texas governor for people who found Bush too cerebral.
• #GOPDebate Trivia: Tonight at the Reagan Library is Rick Perry’s first debate, and also his first visit to a library.
• POLL: Rick Perry Leading Among Voters Who Describe Themselves as Unable to Tie Shoes

Michelle Bachman

• #GOPDebate Preview – Michele Bachmann: “It’s great to be in New Hampshire, home of the Boston Tea Party.”
• Obama: “This isn’t class warfare, it’s math.” Bachmann: “Those are fighting words – I mean the math part.”
• As we go from Palin to Bachmann to Perry, I now understand why the Republicans don’t believe in evolution.
• #GOPDebate: Bachmann will announce that if elected she will cancel the agreement between nouns and verbs.
• Asked if she would recognize Palestine, Michele Bachmann said, “You mean like on a map?”

Herman Cain

• Most people put more thought into Facebook status updates than Herman Cain has put into running for President.
• Herman Cain has prepared less to be President than the average person prepares to be interviewed for a job at Kinko’s.
• God has told both Michele Bachman and Herman Cain to run for President, which proves that God loves comedians.
• Cain: “I have never heard of Fannie Mae and did not touch her inappropriately.”
• BREAKING: Cain Announces New Economic Plan; Would Pay Every Woman in Country to Keep Quiet

Friday Nov 18 2011:

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

"There are 249 millionaires in Congress. Remember a couple of years ago when this new Congress told us they had the solution to the recession? Apparently, they didn't share it with the rest of us."

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

"The difference between a broadcaster and a host is that a host tells stories and dumb jokes, but a broadcaster can articulate deeper like, you know — things and stuff."

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

"I read that Texas Gov. Rick Perry has challenged Nancy Pelosi to a debate. Yeah, Perry got the idea when he was like, “I can’t remember. Am I good or bad at debates?” "

"Happy Birthday to Vice President Biden, who turns 69 this weekend! When they saw him coming, White House staffers turned off the lights, hid behind the couch, and then waited for him to leave."

Republican Debates:

Jon Stewart - Indecision 2012 - Mercy Rule Edition - Nov 10, 2011

Saturday Night Live CNN Debate Spoof

Saturday Night Live Fox Debate Spoof